Creating babies and raising children are a wonderful part of life but can also wreak havoc on a marriage. In her book, Love by Numbers, (Profile Books, 2009), Dr Luisa Dillner gives couples advice on what to expect and some potential problems when planning to have a child.
Marriage and Parenting a Young Baby
Many couples marry and after a couple of years, decide it is time to have a baby. Their decision may be influenced by peer pressure if all their friends are pregnant, or their parents may be hinting about wanting grandchildren. It is essential to consider a number of factors before trying to conceive:
- Do both partners want a child and do they want one now?
- Will the mother stop working while the children are young? If so, will there be enough money coming in to keep the household running smoothly?
- Is their home big enough to accommodate children?
Potential Marriage Problems Caused by Children
Babies and children are loveable and most parents dote on them. However, they also add stress to even the strongest marriage relationships and a time of adjustment is inevitable. Here are some potential problems that can be caused by children in marriage:
- After a woman has given birth, her attention will normally be focused on the baby for many months. This can leave her husband feeling left out, resentful and angry.
- Giving birth is a traumatic experience physically and a woman may be unwilling to have sex for several months after. Breastfeeding and hormonal changes can also lead to lowered libido which can frustrate her husband.
- Babies are prone to waking up at all hours of the night and can leave husbands and wives exhausted and grumpy with each other. It can also cause arguments over whose turn it is to get up and see to the child.
Using a Child to Patch up a Marriage
In some circumstances, a couple may believe that having a baby will draw them closer together and will help them overcome marital difficulties. This is not the case as the stresses of caring for a newborn will often drive them further apart. A baby should not be conceived as part of a solution to marriage problems. The majority of married couples go on to have children and most find that the joys outweigh the stresses. However, children are a major commitment and the decision to start a family should not be taken lightly. Both partners should desire to have a child and their home, financial and relational situation should be strong enough to weather the storms that generally accompany child rearing.
Debbie Roome - Debbie Roome is an award-winning freelance writer, journalist and novelist with over 25 years experience.
