Grief is something common to all mankind. It is the process of dealing with loss and death and can be a life-changing event. Understanding the stages of grief can be helpful to those who feel they are caught in the depths of despair.
Shock
The first reaction is often shock, especially if the loss was unexpected. Death through accident and injury will cause greater shock than the death of someone who has suffered from cancer for a number of years. Typical manifestations include tightness in the throat, muscular weakness and a feeling of great emptiness.
Numbness
Shock is often followed by numbness and this is what enables people to remain dry-eyed at a funeral or cope admirably in the first couple of days. It is as though the blow was so severe that it knocked out their emotional centre. Numbness is characterized by feeling anesthetized, a lack of reality and emotion and the inability to think clearly.
Denial
It takes time to process and absorb a loss and people often “hear” their loved ones opening a door or calling their name. Sometimes they will turn to speak to them before realizing that they are no longer there. It is often described as a feeling that the loved one has been away on holiday and will walk through the front door at any time.
Guilt
As numbness and denial dissipate, a feeling of guilt often takes their place. This takes many forms. “Did I spend enough time with him? Did I take them to the best doctor? Is it wrong to dust their bedroom?” Much of this is false guilt but occasionally there may be genuine reason to feel guilty. Writing a letter of apology to the person may help. When done, burn it and scatter the ashes on their grave or send it heavenward in a helium balloon.
Release
Although tears will have been shed through each stage, release marks the acceptance of the loss and the final reality of dealing with death. It often manifests as floods of tears that seem to erupt from deep within. These tears need to be expressed and often lead to a feeling of inner peace and calm.
Memories
The memory stage can take months to work through. It has been said that when someone dies, you lose them in stages. So many things are a reminder of the loved one; a flower in the garden, a favorite restaurant, a pet, a particular perfume. Each can trigger fresh grief and this is normal and to be expected. Try to embrace each memory and remember the good times.
Learn to Live Again
Grieving is a process and the reality of life after loss will be different. It is important to take deliberate steps towards building a new reality. Seek new friendships, visit new places and create new memories while not neglecting the old.
Grief is a process and although the above stages are typical, they may occur in a different order and some may be visited several times. The important thing is to understand that it is a process and that each day brings new opportunities and healing. Understanding the stages is part of that healing.
Debbie Roome - Debbie Roome is an award-winning freelance writer, journalist and novelist with over 25 years experience.
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