Marrying later in life can offer advantages and disadvantages. In their book, You can’t Hurry Love, (Penguin Books USA, 1992), Laurie Levin and Laura Golden Bellotti discuss the problems and joys of marrying after 40. Couples who are aware of potential problems are more likely to have a successful marriage.
Learning how to Live as a Couple
When a husband and wife enter a first marriage after the age of 40, they generally come from a settled lifestyle. They have a career, established friendships, hobbies and a home. Marriage will bring challenges to all of these areas. Laurie Levin and Laura Golden Bellotti report that even if a couple have lived together for years, they seem to find marriage brings a new dimension and possible problems into their relationship.
Where Independence Fits into Marriage
Singles in their 40s often live an independent lifestyle and may struggle to adapt to the togetherness of marriage. It is important that husband and wife realize that they don’t lose their individuality by marrying but rather gain a new persona that incorporates the old.
Adapting to marriage later in life normally involves learning consideration for the other partner. While it may be acceptable to maintain old friendships and hobbies, it is not appropriate to disappear for hours without checking in with your spouse.
Some spouses find it hard to give up or change the way they spend the time they previously had free. Many people have developed routines and interests that they find hard to share or change.
Friendships Outside of Marriage
When people have reached their 40s without marrying, they often have established friendships that may be with singles or married couples. In many ways, these friends become their family and are there to support them through good and bad times. Sharing is often deep and it can be a wrench to pull back from these friendships. In spite of this, many newlyweds find that although they maintain ties with old friends, the closeness gradually lessens and a new level of friendship is established.
Resolving Conflict when Marrying Later in Life
Laurie Levin and Laura Golden Bellotti report that people who married later in life, generally felt that age was an advantage when resolving conflicts. The reasons they gave for this conclusion included the following:
- Older people are more stable and less volatile when dealing with problems.
- They are more secure in themselves and don’t need to be right all the time.
- An awareness that name-calling and emotional blackmail are not healthy.
In spite of this, it is still important to actively work on resolving conflict and settling troubling issues.
Marrying after 40 presents a different set of challenges to marrying at a younger age. While spouses may struggle with losing some of their independence and old friendships, they also find that their maturity makes conflict resolution easier. The important thing is to keep communication open and attend to problems as they arise.
Debbie Roome - Debbie Roome is an award-winning freelance writer, journalist and novelist with over 25 years experience.
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