Control takes many forms and it may be a while before a person realises that someone is trying to control them. This is because a controller is an expert at deflecting blame back onto their victims and making them feel guilty when they have done nothing wrong. Patricia M Evans expands on the way control appears in her book, Controlling People.
What Does Control Look Like?
A controller attempts to alter another individual's actions, beliefs and relationships. This may be subtle or it may an outright demand. Here are some of the signs that someone may be trying to control you:
- A person tries to impose their beliefs and rules upon your life;
- Submitting to a controller is the only way to get a measure of peace from their incessant demands;
- Controllers are convinced that they are right and you are wrong. Any attempts to convince them otherwise are futile;
- Controllers often have a distorted view of life that they try and enforce on others;
- In extreme forms not discussed here, control can take the form of harassment, discrimination and physical violence.
Who Tries to Control Others
Controllers come in all sizes and shapes and while some are easy to escape from, those who are family members or a spouse will need a more focused approach. In some cases, the person cannot see how their behaviour is controlling and may deny it when confronted. Even children can learn to control the behavior of adults such as the child who throws a tantrum and gets a candy bar. This teaches them that bad behavior can result in rewards.
In some situations, control is necessary and appropiate. If control is inappropriate it is often manipulative, will make someone fel bad about themselves and will make them do something they don't really want to do.
The key to dealing with controlling behavior is recognising it. The following are a few examples that depict inappropriate control in daily life.
- A security guard at an airport greeted everyone by telling them to smile. He went on to say that life wasn’t that bad and that they really needed to smile. He persisted beyond the point of decency and left some passengers angry and disgruntled.
- A mother insisted that she knew how her married daughter should dress and do her hair. Any attempts by the daughter to make decisions for herself were met with contempt.
Dealing with a Controlling Personality
The Inappropriate use of control to manipulate can be extremely damaging. A person needs to be strong when dealing with a controller as they can be convincing when pointing out character supposed flaws and weaknesses. Remind yourself the person is purposely trying to alter your view of yourself and remind yourself repeatedly what your character traits really are like. You generally cannot confront a controller directly not should you as they can become dangerous when someone finally stands up to them. Use cognitive strategies to correct inaccuracies they are attempting to convince you of and if you ever feel threatened report them to an authority.
Controllers are often convinced they are providing accurate feedback, and attempts to reason with them will result in them throwing the blame back at you. They twist the truth and distort the facts and often leave the person confronting them bewildered and confused. If you listen to a controller you risk losing your identity and sense of self worth.
Here are some important things to remember when dealing with a controller:
- No one can get inside your mind and know what you are really thinking. Don’t allow a controller to try and tell you who you are and what you believe;
- Never conform to demands when a person is exercising inappriate control; an exception to this is if you are in a situation where standing up to a controller could lead to physical harm. In this case, it is alright to conform and then seek professional help once away from the controller.
- Controllers often try and diminish another person’s gifts and abilities;
- Control may manifest as bullying, stalking or road rage.
It is essential to stand up to a controller and if necessary seek help. If they persist in badgering you, call in a friend, counsellor or if you feel threatened, the police to deal with the problem. Recognising controlling behavior is the first step to finding release from it.
- Sources:
- Controlling People by Patricia M Evans, Adams Media, 2003.
- MentalHealthCE.com, "Warning Signs You Are Involved With a 'Controller.'" Accessed August 2011.
Debbie Roome - Debbie Roome is an award-winning freelance writer, journalist and novelist with over 25 years experience.
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