When Control in Marriage Becomes a Serious Problem

May 22, 2011
Debbie Roome

Weddings may be Followed by a Marriage of Control - Debbie Roome

Marriage partners may try to control each other by enforcing high or unrealistic expectations. These are unhealthy and can destroy a relationship.

In her book, Controlling People, (Adams Media Corporation, 2002), Patricia Evans explains that in a healthy marriage, husbands and wives are accepting of each other’s tastes and preferences. These can include their choice of clothing, food, perfume and home decorating.

How does Control Appear in Marriage

Control rears its head when one partner cannot accept their spouse’s choices as an individual. This is a limiting frame of mind and over an extended period of time can have devastating consequences. In extreme cases a spouse may forbid their husband or wife to find employment or may try and control what they wear, eat and do. A controller typically gives orders instead of making requests and the control extends to the physical and emotional realm. Their spouse may reach the place where they are afraid to express an opinion and in many ways they conform to expectations just to try and keep peace in the home.

What can Control do to a Marriage

The dominant partner wants everything done their way. They exert power and expect their spouse to obey their every command, so creating an imbalance in the marriage. In an effort to conform, the husband or wife may hand power over to their partner and submit to their rules and desires. This is an unhealthy situation and can lead to abuse, resentment and anger. If the controller’s demands are not obeyed, they may eventually erupt into rages and physical violence. Eventually, the controlled spouse becomes a puppet that does whatever their partner orders.

Ways of Dealing with Control between Husbands and Wives

It is important to take action if controlling tendencies are apparent in a marriage. The more engrained the pattern is, the harder it will be to change. In advanced cases, the partner who is the victim may need to seek professional help. It is common for a controller to be so immersed in themselves and their beliefs that they cannot see that their behavior is inappropriate. The following are steps to take towards breaking the controlling patterns of a spouse:

Set boundaries and take action if these are overstepped. This might include moving out for a time.
Do not entertain nonsense. Controllers are good at arguing and causing dissension. Don’t get dragged into this.
Don’t allow them to define you by what they say. Work on your self esteem and believe the truth about yourself.

Control can be a serious issue in marriage that may escalate to violence and abuse. It is important to recognize control for what it is and take steps to reverse the process before it is too late. This often involves professional counselling as controllers find it hard to see that they have a problem.